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In Stress and Coping

Have you ever been blamed for the problem?

Have you ever been in a difficult relationship with someone, when you ended up with being blamed for all the problems both of you were experiencing? And in this situation, you have tried to resolve a conflict with this person, but instead of finding a solution, all your partner did was put the responsibility for the problems completely on your shoulders…

When you are being constantly blamed for things that go wrongly in your relationship, no doubt you start feeling guilty, responsible, and like a failure. You are doing your best trying harder and harder to please the blamer, and all you receive is losing more and more of yourself. Over time you could notice the presence of the symptoms of depression, anxiety, and low self-worth.

You need to understand that BLAME is a tactic used by abusers and other toxic people to scapegoat another person and take the focus off themselves. BLAME is a very effective tool for helping abusers accomplish their agendas – diversion, division, chaos, excuses, and pain to the other person.

The blamed person feels not only victimized once, but victimized multiple times – the first time by the behavior of the other party, and the second time by being blamed for the infraction.  A third injury occurs when others side with the blamer, further validating your complicity to the pain you supposedly, ultimately caused yourself.

What is the way-out from the blame game? Just grasp the full meaning of the utterance Everyone Has Choices! It means that you as anyone else are responsible for your behaviour. Period! When you are subjected to blame, the other person seems so convincing that he or she had no other option but to do whatever that person did to hurt you.

The truth of the matter is we all have a myriad of choices for every problem we encounter!

Whenever someone tries to blame you for their poor behavior, remember this truth.  If you are a person interested in preserving your relationship, you do not allow yourself to behave hurtfully just because you feel like it.  This same truth belongs to the other person as well.

Many people wrongly believe that they are not responsible for how they behave. A lot are taught that, “He/She made me do it!” This belief applies to both blamers and those being blamed. That is why it is so easy to get away with doing it.

If you are in a difficult relationship with someone who consistently blames you for their problems, you are most likely suffering from emotional abuse. Over time, your sense of reality gets eroded as you try to improve yourself so that the other person doesn’t have any reason to blame you.

As you continuously try to improve, the other person may “up the ante” making the hoops you need to jump through higher and smaller. In reality, the person who is blaming you IS the problem. The blamer believes that his or her unhappiness is caused by external circumstances, including you. This is a lack of insight.

The best thing you can do is surrender. Stop. Let the chips fall where they may.  Stop taking on the responsibility of someone else’s choices. Remind yourself that you only have dominion over your behavior and your half of the relationship. Remind yourself that a relationship comprises two people and when there are problems, it is up to both parties to come to the table and resolve them.

If you are in a toxic relationship and are the receiver of the blame, you need to realize that most of the problems you have with the toxic person are caused by that person. Even if the problem mainly resides in the other person, you can still make choices on how to protect yourself.

Once you realize that many of the problems are caused by the other person’s need to blame you for their unhappiness, you are free to take actions to shield yourself from hurt.

Set boundaries!

Don’t accept the blame, be respectful, and take care of yourself!

Other people are not responsible for your happiness, nor are you responsible for theirs. 

Each person is responsible for his or her own happiness!

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